Beauty in Brokenness

"He has made everything Beautiful in it's time." Eccl. 3:11

Finding Home

on August 21, 2013

So, I have realized that I am addicted to blogs.  Its a problem.  But when it comes to keeping one up, I am just not very faithful.  Its that whole perfectionist thing coming through again.  So many times I think, I really need to post something, but then I just make a million excuses as to why I shouldn’t or can’t.

-I don’t have time

-I don’t have anything to say

-I have too much to say

-It would sound weird

-I am too lazy

-I’m not sure anyone even reads it

basically…. I am really good at excuses.  This plays out in a lot of things in my life.

Good thing I have someone in my life to encourage (… nag *cough, cough*) me to do what I really love doing.

Isn’t that funny?  I really love writing.  I like processing on paper and getting all my thoughts out there.  But what I want to do, I easily talk my self out of.  Maybe it is insecurity.  In a way, having your thoughts out there for everyone to see and have an opinion on is really intimidating.  Thinking things is one thing, but seeing them laid out in front of you is completely different.

Security is a funny thing.  I crave it.  We all do.  Not just physically, but emotionally.

I recently, unofficially moved into my new place in my new (again) town.  By “unofficially” I mean that I started paying rent, slept there, and moved some of my stuff in, but its not permanent yet.  I have to move back and forth for a few more weeks still.

I am so excited.  It really started to feel homey.  But deep down, I could not relax.  my mind did not give me permission to call it home.  Because on paper I knew that I wasn’t there yet.  Not completely.

So hence there was 2 weeks of frustration.  My heart saying “Lets make this home!” and my head saying “Hold your horses…”

What a buzz kill!

I spent those 2 weeks incredibly uncomfortable.  and I honestly had no idea why…

Its funny how my physical insecurity, played a lot into my mental insecurity.  Not having a physical place seemed to intensify that I had no emotional home there yet either.  That routine.  That common goal and purpose.  Those relationships.  They are coming.  But they aren’t here yet.  They are ideas, but they haven’t become real.  I had no place to physically call my home, and I had no emotional place to be home.

And when I say this, please understand, I am incredibly blessed.  I have multiple homes.  My heart resides in multiple places.  I have many people all over that love me and are invested in my life.  They are scattered but they are permanent fixtures in my life.  They are a foundation that keeps me going.

But its different… I have a home that has been generously provided for me.  I have a home and family that I have been brought up in.  But I am still in the process of building the home that God has called me to.  He placed me somewhere, but has called me somewhere else.  My heart will always have a place to run to, but it is looking for the place that it can dwell.

Ultimately, I need to find my security in the Lord.  I keep reminding myself to be fully where I am.  God has us where we are, right at this moment, for a reason.  He is with me.  My home is with Him.  My heart can find a home in Him.  My ultimate home is secure for me in Heaven with the Lord.  I can be secure in my environment knowing that the Lord is with me and is providing.  I can be secure in my emotions knowing that the lord can sympathize with me.  He understands.  He experienced all human emotions.  I do not have to have it together all the time.  It’s ok to be confused, uncomfortable, hopeful, frustrated, sad, or anxious.  I just have to confess those to the Lord.  i do not have to manage and control my emotions.  i can allow the Lord to deal with them for me.

He is my home.   He is my identity and my calling.  He accepts me and understands me.  He made me and He saved me from my sin.  He will make my path straight.  Because of Jesus, I will dwell with the Lord forever.  I hope that I am never comfortable anywhere else.

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One response to “Finding Home

  1. anonymous says:

    this person that nags you must be really hot

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